Its been a crazy few weeks. My tri 2 is almost over, but finals just began. I’ve been having a world wind of emotions that have been flooding my body with ups and downs. However, I’m trying to absorb them and keep a calm like water attitude. There are so many things that I know I could have done better or even messed up and its hard to forgive myself, but ultimately I do because I realize everything in life happens for a reason. The people who love you the most will be by your side for better or worse. During tough times is when the flower will grow strong and beautiful or wither away. It is the way that one takes care of the body, mind, and soul that determines the outcome. You control the outcome by how you set yourself up. This includes nutrition, exercise, and surrounding yourself with positive people.
I’ve always been into health and exercise, but I’ve never had a good balance. I never felt mentally satisfied because growing up. I played competitive tennis and my dad was pretty hard on us mentally. Not meeting someone else’s expectations is a pretty big mental hurdle because you start questioning can I really do this? am i going to make it? will I ever be good enough? can I keep this up much longer? it takes its toll. I’m glad that my dad had pushed us because I continued playing at a Division I level and completed undergrad school in 3 1/2 years, no debt, and met amazing people along the way. He gave me the tools that I needed in life too. I became confident because all those hours on the court had paid me back everyday since then. I’m so thankful for my family because they had supported me throughout my life. However, I think I needed more positive encouragement from my dad. But we both learned and as I grew older his attitude had softened and he became much nicer and calm. So, our relationship became stronger as I moved away and he had to trust me to take care of myself and be my number 1 fan rather than my critic. Also, thank goodness for my beautiful mother who has fed my soul physically and emotionally by always playing with my hair, helping me feel nourished (McDonalds was only visited for special occasions) I realize the importance of that and embrace her meals more than ever because they have and continue to be filled with love. I share the same passion for cooking today because thats my way of sharing my love for others.
Other hard things include my recent breakup. Happy 6 years to find out Ryan had cheated on me! However, I should be sad/angry/hate him/so forth, but I’m not. I’m actually content because that final blow had burned any bridge that had held us together. It had finally freed me of any emotional stress I had. We began dating the summer before junior year in high school and I can still remember that night I had fallen in love. It was Kailee’s birthday party at buffalo wild wings. One of the guys had driven me there and was suppose to drive me home but decided to leave without me. So, I was stuck at this restaurant by myself and didn’t know what to do. Then this lanky, curly haired, squinty smiling boy came running toward me with open arms yelling to me he came back for me. Thats the exact moment I fell in love. His hug had been an unspoken promise to love me. I thought he was going to protect me for the rest of my life. Throughout high school we sneaked kisses in the hallway and practiced our beach walk (awkwardly hugging while walking up the stairs) haha and I went to his wrestling matches and he was always cheering me on at my tennis matches. While, it was hard for my parents to understand why I was dating a white boy, his persistence over 2 years finally changed their minds. He stood by my side and as my protector for so many years. I chose to go away for college because I wanted independence or at least feel a little more grown up. He kept me grounded from partying, going crazy, like so many of us do at that age. He always told me I was stronger than I thought and made me feel beautiful. When I toddled away from my dream career he helped me realize that I can pursue anything I want and shouldn’t let anyone else influence me. I have so much to thank him for and I don’t regret anything that had happened. Even when he cheated on me in high school, I was able to wash the pain away because he showered me with even more love. I truly believed it would never happen again and I honestly loved him so much I was willing to push my self-love and self-respect out the window in order to have him back. Fast forward and after I graduated college, I came to Logan Chiropractic to pursue the dream that I’ve had since I was 9 years old, to be a chiropractor. The ability to heal by sharing your love and energy with adjusting, and building another family outside my small family since we didn’t have the best relationship with our family outside of our intermediate. We had moved in together excited to keep loving and supporting one another. But after our move together, school became too hard for me to handle. I woke up early to study and stayed at school late to study. This is my long awaited opportunity to prove to myself that I can do it. This meant less time for Ryan and it took its toll. We spent more time apart than ever. He went home on weekends and I stayed at school. He became a completely different person in my eyes. Drinking crept into his life and I told him I wish he would stop, but he chose not to. I think it was because I had stopped loving him. His dream and thoughts about life collided with mine. I still flamed with desire to learn as much as I can, while he believed he already knew what he needed to know. We began to put each other down rather than lift one another. We stopped loving each other. We stopped listening to each other. We stopped caring. I couldn’t feed his emotions. He couldn’t feed my curiosity. Our expectations became too much and drove us apart. He spent more time with his childhood friends and I made new relationships with friends from school. The week before our 6 year anniversary, I chose to break up with him and end this horrible feeling I’ve had towards him in hopes to make it better. Interestingly, I didn’t cry because I felt like a was doing the right thing. I felt like our minds and hearts were heading into different directions. Staying together was only making us grow farther and farther apart. What was weird was that we freaking shared a 800 sq. foot APT together! haha so I communted from home for a few days before he left to go visit friends at michigan. then I stayed at the apt. After school on monday ( 1 week later aka 6 year anniversary), one of my best friends called me to see how I was doing. I explained that Ryan and I had broke up and I think it was mainly because of me. After some reflecting, I realized I didn’t love myself completely. I didn’t feel absolutely comfortable in my own skin. I felt subpar to everything in life. This was one of the most challenging times of my life. I needed to grow, but didn’t have space to spread my wings. I told her we had broken up the prior Monday (July 28, 2014). Then she splashed me with a cold wave when she said the words, Ryan had cheated on me 3 weeks ago. He went to a party in our hometown, like every other weekend. But that weekend he chose to cheat on me. Was he drunk, yeah. But he literally ASKED some little 18 year old to make out with him…haha this still blows my mind on the creepy scale its past a 10…So, went to the apt. planned on packing my stuff to stay at home till after finals. I threw my clothes into a bag, then looked at him as he sat at the kitchen table and I softly said to him that he was really good at cheating on me then left. I was burning inside. I got into my car and looked out the window as I was leaving, hoping that he would come outside and tell me he was sorry. But he wasn’t there. he didn’t care. he didn’t even fight for me. my protector for 6 years had given up on me and turned into the person that would break me down and tear me apart during one of the toughest times of my life. I drove down the street, then it hit me. I wasn’t to blame in this situation. I drove back and stomped into the apartment and told him to leave, I shouldn’t be the one leaving. I found him sitting in the exact position that he held when I left. He was unfazed that I had found out he was cheating. He didn’t care. he didn’t fight he just looked back into his laptop screen as if I didn’t exist. I repeated that I wasn’t kidding and that he needed to leave. He looked annoyed and slowly got up and walked toward his room. We had separate rooms. I sat on the couch as I listened to him unzipping his backpack and taking clothes out of his drawers. Then I realized I didn’t want him back here ever again. I took his apt key off his chain while he was packing and threw it under the couch. He walked out unstartled and unaffected by the situation. We knew something like this was what we needed to let our flower of love finally wilt away and die. I have absolutely no control over when I begin and stop crying. For some reason I didn’t cry once from when I first told him I wanted to break up to that night. Instead I finally felt internally fulfilled. I think it was because I knew the right thing had happened. I was so proud of myself for finally standing up for myself. I had chosen myself over him. I chose to love myself rather than settle for someone subpar. His attitude was alway negative and outlook on life was even more depressing. The last thing I told him when we broke up was that when I grow old, I dont care if the special person can give me everything in the world, I dont care about how many lines are on his face, I dont care about the size of his biceps, and I especially dont care whether others think he is perfect or not because I know his heart is perfect and I can love him for the rest of my life just knowing that. Look into someones eyes and you can see their soul. If it can attract me, then I’m yours forever. This is how I have and will continue to chose my friends and the love of my life. His passion for life and attitude towards others differed so much from mine that his eyes became hazily and unclear to me. He looked like a boy lost in this big world without his compass to guide him home.
The next day after school he texted me wanting his key back. I refused because he still made me want to throw up. He apologized for cheating and told me I deserved better. I thanked him for this experience. He supported me in high school, kept me grounded in college, and now he has shown me how a boy without passion lives his life. He scoffed at my words and told me that he didn’t care what I said but he was still sorry that he ruined something that was perfect. I told him I would never believe anything he ever says. He said he still needed his things. Apparently he didn’t need me. He just needed the shoes that make his outfit look put together, the watch that tells him when its time to skip class, and the clothes that made him feel better than others. He didn’t need me. He didn’t need me. I didn’t matter anymore to him. Because who am I in his life….just another girl. just another person to make fun of, to tease, to put down for being different. thats okay because the most important lesson my dad has ever taught me is to be different. To be proud of who you are regardless of your race, gender, stature. be proud. stand with your shoulders square and carry a welcoming smile because you never know whose day you can make better with your positive attitude and cheerful thoughts. My moms beautiful smile and cheerful attitude has been instilled at a young age. Regardless of her feelings she carries a smile to help others outside of the necessary, help small children grasp something that was just out of their reach, and share her warmth with others. She is the woman I want to become. She is the woman that carried the world on her shoulders with grace and attacks new things with curiosity and passion.
So, I called Ryans mom and thats when I cried. This was the first time I had honestly cried about anything regarding Ryan. I missed his family. My second set of parents that I hoped to stop calling Mr. and Mrs. Rozell, but one day dad and mom. I wanted to support Josh, his little brother, at his wrestling matches and help him decide what school is best for him. Ryan and I had planned our future together and around one another. We were going to get married right after he graduated. We were going to have kids as school as I graduated. We were going to love one another even after the sun had stopped shining. We were never going to be alone in life. Ryan has been the only person I have ever dated. The only person I had called boyfriend, love bug and I want to believe that I was his only sweet pea. Guess he was just waiting to crush that little pea with his fork. But thats okay. Because in the end I won. I won the get out of jail card. I passed go and collected something better than a safe life with a four car garage. I won freedom to discover the world. Freedom to explore. Freedom to passionately pursue the life the way I have always wanted. Freedom to be who I am without care of what others think.
His mom and I talked for an hour about everything that had happened. I told her that Ryan had cheated on me twice and that I lost all the attraction I had towards him. He had decided to cut the few strings he had on my heart. She was shocked because he had never even told her thats why we broke up in high school. So, I asked her to pick up his things. She agreed. I headed in excited to finally separate myself from him for good. At first it was fun, then it became real. It was like on extreme weight loss when they empty the baggage they had been carrying that led them to the point of obesity and coming to terms with their lives. It was almost an outer body experience as I touched him for the last time. I ripped up the picture of us together because I didn’t want him to keep it. Instead I placed his watches into the watch case and placed the picture of him as a little boy with his dad on top. I put the ring that he had given me on Christmas after we had been dating for 6 months into a watch holder. He told me he knew I was the one at that point and wanted to give me this ring. Just a year ago I told him to give me this ring and have it fitted when he was ready to propose. I realized the ring was missing from my backpack a few weeks after school had started in January and then asked him about it. He said my parents must have taken it or something….it appeared back in my backpack a week later, fitted. I didn’t want anything flashy, his love was more than enough. While talking to his mom, we tried to find out what happened. She said all ryan kept saying was that all Jennifer does is study and doesn’t make time for me. I agree. I didn’t make time. He was always so negative about school and learning so I didn’t ask him for help anymore. If I came home , I had to make dinner and having motivation to study when I was too comfortable at home was hard. So, I decided just to stay at school and not come home. I figured he would hangout with more friends just like he had when we were in college. this time he didn’t have Kaleb to hangout with and help keep him grounded. So his new set of friends had changed him into someone I didn’t know. I realize that someone who can be influenced that easily isn’t confident in who they are. He had to adapt him self to be someone that they would love, not that he would love. He had to be cool and fit in. Drinking, partying, skipping school its apparently what cool kids do. I asked him to stop drinking so much but he asked why? he still gets good grades. I didn’t like that he was fighting, staying out late, and missing opportunities to better himself. He didn’t care. that was the attitude I started embodying in the beginning after being around him. because essentially WHO CARES? a few months I wouldn’t have been able to tell you, but now I can proudly tell you, I do. I care. because caring is what will help that wilting flower grow to be strong, beautiful, and shine so bright that its beauty can enlighten others with hope. I finished packing his stuff in about an hour with plenty of music and crying to keep me company. Afterwards I got a good workout in to calm my mind and then prepared dinner and waited for his parents. They arrived and picked up his stuff and I hugged them for the last time and told them that I loved them.
You know what really ticked me off? Ryan had texted me that he was sorry that he was drunk, that he didn’t mean for it to happen. Thats a really great excuse, I was drunk. NOT. I asked him to stop drinking 2 weeks ago and he basically told me no. So, in essence he knew he had been drunk and cheated, yet he choose to still drink. He was drunk when he hit his little brother, but he still wanted to drink. He broke the shed that his dad had just built because he was drunk, but he still wanted to drink. This isn’t someone I admire or want to be with the rest of my life. This isn’t someone who can protect me, my future family, or my heart. Finally, he asked me how much he owed for rent. I replied by saying…Nothing. You will never owe me anything for the rest of our lives.
Who knew I could be so strong. I am so proud of myself for sticking to my heart and letting myself lead the way to becoming the person I want to be. The role model I want to be for others. The passion I hope to share with others. The most important lesson I have learned from this entire experience is that in order to be genuinely healthy and happy, a person must be physically, mentally, and most importantly emotionally fed. This includes homemade meals filled with love, told encouraging words that boost self-esteem, and loved entirely for who they are. I promise to pursue this goal for the rest of my life and help others who want to achieve self-love as well.
Cheers to my pursuit for more days full of love and passion!